Is Enabling Love or Perpetuating Dysfunction?


What is Enabling

Enabling is the same thing as aiding and abetting someone to commit a crime but in enabling, the aider, support and conceal the dysfunctional behaviour of  the individual who is engaging in harmful or destructive behaviour. Therefore, enabling is helping and concealing of the bad and problematic behaviour of another person.


How does enabling happens

Enabling happens when we are afraid to confront or challenge the irresponsible and bad behaviour of our loved ones or friends, we rather cover for them or make excuses for the wrongful behaviour in order to avoid conflicts.

However, enabling is different from assisting or rendering help to someone. It is actually an abuse and it is not love either.

Enabling abuse includes: drug abuse, substance and domestic. This is a direct way of communicating that they don’t feel loved.

If we are enablers of  toxic people, we have to stop. Although some people claim it’s not a fair mentality. If an adult child refused to support themselves, is it fair to allow them to cohabit with you under the same roof? Everyone has a reason for not doing what they are supposed to do and a reason is not an excuse. Jesus said, we should carry our own load, we are to individually bear the responsibility we have been given because they are meant for our growth, promotion and strength, but we push that to someone who is codependent enough to take it and that actually stunts their growth, we are literally taking away the opportunity for this person or people to grow in a godly fashion. 1st Corinthians 5 spoke about this.

Apostle Paul sent a grown man sleeping with his mother in the Church away, he said throw him out of the Church, and yet, we often say it’s not fair to ignore, wicked, slothful, sinful and irresponsible behaviour, and we put like little labels on it, so that he can return to God, hit rock bottom it’s important to allow them to hit rock bottom so they can find themselves and not to allow them to stay comfortably, when we enable them, we are not giving them the opportunity to become responsible and embrace what they are supposed to be doing for their own growth, we are literally stepping into God’s position, we think it’s cruel to allow people undergo suffering, however, it is in that suffering that arises as a consequence of their action that they are not acknowledging that they will wake up to find themselves.

It is not love to enable somebody to stay stuck and not been accountable for themselves.


What are enabling behaviours

1. When you remain quiet and not saying anything about their dysfunctional state, you must expose them. They may accuse or claim  you never said anything, so they thought you were comfortable.

2. You struggle with boundaries, the fact that you are helping this person doesn’t mean that they have the right to override your boundaries, if they are not responding to you, it means they are not interested, respect their boundaries.

3. You are trying to change this person, note that they are not your responsibility, they have the ability to make their own decisions, because toxic people have been enabled their whole life and can not longer see that it’s their responsibility to make their lives but rather becomes and feels entitled unless you are putting up boundaries.

4. Giving to get, this is common with codependent because they want a relationship, this is not a complete selfless act. If you are enabling people, you are trying to fulfill a need of your own. You are enabling toxic behaviour because you are Perpetuating a problem.

5. You are being abused and used, if you allow toxic behaviour, you are not sharing love, you are allowing the operation of evil behaviour.



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